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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27303850">kiss my hurt away</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/remusroses/pseuds/remusroses'>remusroses</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>&lt;33, Birthday Kiss, Birthday Party, Drunk Kissing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, First Kiss, First Kisses, First Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders headcanons, Remus Lupin &amp; Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are dorks in love, The Marauders - Freeform, The Marauders Era, drunk teens, i cant come up with more tags :), mentions of abuse (none shown!), pls read this xoxo, sweet wolfstar being in love, the night Sirius ran away, wolfstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:35:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,772</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27303850</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/remusroses/pseuds/remusroses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’re ridiculous, Pads, seriously.”<br/>“You’re thinking about it though, aren’t you.”<br/>“Of course I am! I mean, the blood couldn’t level out the alcohol over time, because there’s no blood… but would there be alcohol left in the body then anyway?? So many questions and so little-”</p>
<p>In a sudden movement, Sirius pulled him away from the hallway and into a niche. Their chests were almost pushed together, that was how close they were, and Remus wondered when they had grown so much. When Sirius’ jaw had become so incredibly defined and his lips so fucking shiny.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Marauders - Relationship, Remus Lupin &amp; Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, as friends ;), wolfstar - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>126</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>kiss my hurt away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time Remus kissed someone, he was in third year and Lily Evans kissed him.</p>
<p>They were good friends and it was just after the summer. They were on a walk around the lake, and talking about their summers. They had stopped to sit down and lean back, basking in the sunlight.</p>
<p>She made a joke, making him laugh, and before he knew it, her lips had pecked his before pulling back quickly. Her eyes were wide.</p>
<p>“I think I have a crush on Sirius”, he blurted out, eyes even wider, and they stared at each other for a moment, speechless.</p>
<p>Then, she had started to laugh. Loudly. First, sort of surprised, and then without getting any air. Slowly shaking out of his initial shock, he had laughed too. If a little more careful.</p>
<p>“Um. I guess ouch? I didn’t know I was that bad of a kisser”, she grinned, fully lying down on her back and looking at the clouds. Remus had huffed out a breath, following her example and lying down too.</p>
<p>“Do you like me?”, he asked, and he immediately felt stupid. But then again, he was only thirteen, who was going to judge him for it later?</p>
<p>“I don’t know. Maybe a little. But Petty had a boyfriend this summer, and she bragged the whole time about me not having had my first kiss. Sorry if that’s inappropriate to you, Re, I just thought if I could choose my first kiss it should be you.”</p>
<p>It was sweet, in a weird way. He had smiled.</p>
<p>“Now we are each other’s first kisses”, he had said quietly, still smiling, eyes wandering over the blues of the sky.</p>
<p>“Sorry you can’t have it with Black, tho. I didn’t know you liked him.”</p>
<p>Now, that made him laugh. He wanted to cry at the same time.</p>
<p>“Yea, no. I don’t think that’s going to happen, he wouldn’t like me. I don’t think he’s into guys.”</p>
<p>“You don’t know that, Remus. He’s a dick, but if you like him, he should be grateful and better like you back.”</p>
<p>That made him grin, and he turned his head to look at her. New freckles, created in the summer sun, were dancing over her cheeks.</p>
<p>“A boy can dream”, he sighed, turning back and closing his eyes. Someone like Sirius wouldn’t like someone like him, no matter the gender. It was fine. Remus didn’t think he deserved it anyway.</p>
<p>“Let’s keep it our secret, okay?”</p>
<p>“What, that I like Sirius? I hope so”, he scoffed, squinting an eye open to give her a raised brow look.</p>
<p>“No, idiot. Of course, I wouldn’t tell anyone. I mean that we are each other’s first kiss. It’s just between us, alright?”</p>
<p>Grinning, she held out her hand, and he took it. “Deal.”</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>The first time Remus kissed Sirius, he was shitfaced drunk.</p>
<p>Now, James and Sirius had somehow retrieved this bottle of firewhiskey, of course.</p>
<p>“It’s your sixteenth birthday, Moony!! We gotta celebrate that with more than just <i>butterbeer</i>”, James had exclaimed, and Sirius had nodded forcefully.</p>
<p>March of fifth year and with it his birthday, Remus had certainly expected differently.</p>
<p>“I’ve never drank before”, he said, eying the tall bottle suspiciously. It was just the four of them, sitting on the hardwood floor of the dorm, after eating way too much cake and letting music play in the background. It was getting late.</p>
<p>“Good, then we can be your first time”, Sirius smirked, unscrewing the lid. Remus knew that he had definitely drank before. On his own sixteenth birthday, Sirius had been super drunk with James. But they had both had huge parties, and so Remus had been off the hook.</p>
<p>It wasn’t that he didn’t want to try. It was more that he was scared of how he would be acting, when he was drunk. There was the looming fear inside of him, always, that he would blurt out his feelings and ruin everything. A fear of not being in control.</p>
<p>They had already stuck with him through so much, and Sirius especially he couldn’t risk losing. He might have wanted more than friendship, but he wasn’t about to risk losing said friendship without even a guarantee for more.</p>
<p>Sirius’ words made him blush. He was glad that it was pretty dark around them.</p>
<p>“Come on Moony, don’t chicken out now!!”, James encouraged him, laughing. “Or are you scareeeed?”</p>
<p>Yeah, I am, he wanted to say. Instead, he sighed, taking the bottle from Sirius and taking a gulp. It tasted horrible, but the others cheered, and it made him laugh.</p>
<p>“See, not too bad. I’m great at this”, he said, taking another. James laughed again. “Slow down, Moon-pie, or you’ll be hanging over the toilet in a few.”</p>
<p>Well, it turned into a competition. Somehow, many things between them did, all the time. Remus thought, it was probably due to them being dumb teenage boys.</p>
<p>And it ended with every single one of them drunk.</p>
<p>Peter only mumbled out some incoherent words before running off to the bathroom.</p>
<p>“Oh, no”, James called out, standing up and swaying on his legs. “I have to help him”, he said, sounding more pained than anything else, when they could hear the first sounds coming from the bathroom.</p>
<p>As he ran off, Sirius and Remus collapsed into laughter.</p>
<p>“Oh my god”, Sirius wheezed, leaning over and holding onto Remus’ arm. His touch was hot, and Remus was glad he could blame his red cheeks on the alcohol.</p>
<p>“Moony, I’m hungryyy”, Sirius whined, leaning onto him heavier. Remus tried to form clear thoughts, but there was a soft blanket of nothing covering all logic. It felt foggy.</p>
<p>“Then we should go to the Kitchen, no?”, he giggled, leaning into Sirius’ touch. The other boy grinned widely. “Oh, I like that.”</p>
<p>On their way out of the portrait hole, Remus hit his head, trying to suppress his laughter as he saw Sirius doing the same.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?”, he hissed, and Remus breathed out, holding his stomach.</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah, fine, let’s go”, he pressed out, half laughing half crying.</p>
<p>“I think you’re bleeding, Moony”, Sirius whispered back as they swayed through the hallway, holding onto each other. He was shaking with held back laughter.</p>
<p>“If I die tonight, at least I can say I turned sixteen.”</p>
<p>Suddenly having a shocked expression on his face, Sirius froze, pulling him back. Remus stared at him.</p>
<p>“Do you think if we died right now and became ghosts, that we would forever be drunk??”, Sirius asked, eyes wide, and he wanted to answer something, mouth dropping open, but all that came out was another giggle.</p>
<p>“You’re ridiculous, Pads, seriously.”<br/>
“You’re thinking about it though, aren’t you.”<br/>
“Of course I am! I mean, the blood couldn’t level out the alcohol over time, because there’s no blood… but would there be alcohol left in the body then anyway?? So many questions and so little-”</p>
<p>In a sudden movement, Sirius pulled him away from the hallway and into a niche. Their chests were almost pushed together, that was how close they were, and Remus wondered when they had grown so much. When Sirius’ jaw had become so incredibly defined and his lips so fucking shiny.</p>
<p>Confused, he opened his mouth, when he heard the footsteps coming closer. Their wide eyes met as they waited, steps coming closer and closer before disappearing.</p>
<p>“Oh my”, Remus pressed out, laughing quietly and pressing his forehead into Sirius’ shoulder.</p>
<p>“Moony-”, Sirius croaked, suddenly sounding not amused at all anymore. Concerned, Remus lifted his head to look at him, but in the same moment, Sirius slammed his lips onto his own.</p>
<p>Remus was sure that he forgot how to breathe. That this was a fever dream, and not his reality. That he was so drunk he was hallucinating, or dreaming, or all at once-</p>
<p>Sirius pulled back as quickly as he had come forward.</p>
<p>“Oh, oh god, sorry, Re I’m so sorry, I don’t know what-”</p>
<p>If this was a dream, Remus could damn well use the time he had the way he wanted to. Interrupting Sirius, he slung an arm around his neck and pushed the other one into his hair, pulling them together.</p>
<p>Sirius’ lips were soft, so soft. So much softer than his own, slightly chapped ones. His hair was so silky, just like he dreamt it must feel like.</p>
<p>The other boy made a surprised, a confused sound, before his whole body relaxed against Remus’ and he actually kissed him back, and <i>holy fuck</i>. The sensation was incredible.</p>
<p>He wished he could say it felt like fireworks, but it wasn’t like that. It was more like swimming in the sea, with bruising, dangerous waves, that carried him at the same time.</p>
<p>When they broke apart, Sirius exclaimed softly, touching his cheek. Remus noticed that it was wet. That his cheeks were stained with tears.</p>
<p>“Oh, Moony, don’t cry, why are you crying?”, Sirius whispered, eyes open and vulnerable. So vulnerable, that Remus wanted to cry even more.</p>
<p>“I don’t know, why am I crying?”, he asked shakily, wiping his cheeks. He laughed wetly. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time. I want to do it again”, he said quickly, and Sirius’ smile was so beaming that it almost blinded him.</p>
<p>“I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long that you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, Re.”</p>
<p>There was a moment of silence, and their breathing seemed loud in the small space.</p>
<p>“You didn’t just kiss me because we’re drunk?”, Remus whispered, suddenly scared that this would be the last time. No more kissing Sirius, because he would regret this.</p>
<p>“What? No, of course not. I… I really like you. A lot. More than anyone. I’ve liked you for forever, Moons.”</p>
<p>“Good, I… me too. I really like you too.”</p>
<p>More silence.</p>
<p>“So, are we together now or something? I’ve not actually done this before”, Sirius grinned. There was something giddy about it, thrilling. Remus giggled.</p>
<p>“I mean, I wouldn’t say no.”</p>
<p>“Good, because I wouldn’t either.”</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>When Remus woke up the next morning, his head was positively pounding. He tried to blink his eyes open, but they were weirdly crusty and it took him a while. When he wanted to turn around, there was a tug around his middle and he froze.</p>
<p>There was a soft breath on his neck, and a weight pressed all along his back. He stopped breathing.</p>
<p>Peaking his eye open, he realised that it was in fact Sirius. Sirius Black. In his bed. Shirtless. He was ready to die when he remembered, memory crashing over him in immense waves, loud and real, and he almost gasped with the intensity of it.</p>
<p>“Holy shit”, he said quietly.</p>
<p>“Yeah, honestly, that was my reaction too”, James said dryly, sitting on the bed next to his. Remus almost yelled in surprise, and James grinned.</p>
<p>“Morning, birthday boy. I see you had a good night?”</p>
<p>“Fuck off, Prongs”, came Sirius’ muffled voice. Remus couldn’t believe it was actually real.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Over the next months, he couldn’t believe it was real either. Suddenly, everything that had seemed so far from possible was coming true, and Remus woke up to kisses along his neck and giggles being breathed into his hair. Long fingers intertwining with his own as he read aloud, and Sirius stupidly singing to him all his favourite songs and making a show out of it.</p>
<p>It almost seemed too good to be true.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to go home”, Sirius murmured, their last night before summer break.</p>
<p>Remus knew he only covered it with annoyance, his real feelings. He didn’t call him out on it, because he wanted this to be a good last night. That Sirius could think about before he came to James’s later in the summer.</p>
<p>“I’ll miss you, Pads”, he whispered, and Sirius smiled, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Miss you too.”</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Remus got the note in the middle of the night, only two weeks into the summer.</p>
<p>He was up still, reading but not really paying attention to the words on the page. He was distracted. Something felt off.</p>
<p>“Come to my house, its Pads”, was all that it said.</p>
<p>He took his bike, running outside in his pyjamas and realising too late that it was raining. Not turning back, he started pushing.</p>
<p>The ride felt too long, but it was over too quickly. Because he didn’t even know what he was expecting. The worst, probably.</p>
<p>He felt sticky, his clothes clinging to his body from the rain, and he was incredibly cold. James ripped open the door before he had even rung the bell.</p>
<p>Barely paying attention to what he was saying, Remus went inside, and right into the living room.</p>
<p>Sirius wasn’t sitting on the Couch, or lying on it. Instead, he was leaning against the wall, chin tucked against his chest. When Remus came in, he looked up, and raised his chin.</p>
<p>His whole body was tense, Remus could see it immediately. Like stone. When he raised his chin a little, like he always did when he wanted to look tough, his hair fell to the side and revealed a huge bruise on his jaw, spreading down to his neck.</p>
<p>Remus was there faster than explainable, pushing the hair away and fingers grazing the purple marks. He stopped breathing.</p>
<p>“He did this?”, he whispered.</p>
<p>“You’re soaking wet, Moony”, Sirius breathed out, touching his hair, sticking together from the rain splattering on the asphalt.</p>
<p>Remus knew that. He was freezing, too. It didn’t matter.</p>
<p>“Pads.”</p>
<p>“You should shower, you’re going to get sick.”</p>
<p>Remus closed his eyes and took a long breath. This was not- he didn’t want Sirius to turn the attention away from himself. Not when-</p>
<p>“They found out. Bout me”, Sirius whispered, almost inaudible. Remus’ eyes flew open, and he smiled a small, hidden smile.</p>
<p>“I’m not going back, Re. Okay.”</p>
<p>He stared into his eyes, his face. Like stone, almost unmoved, distanced from the whole situation like he was talking about someone else. Not himself.</p>
<p>Remus thought that he was like marble. Never wanting to break, always holding together. There were gold veins starting to show, rips in the whole picture he was trying to uphold.</p>
<p>Like his family. Remus wondered if he would be able to let go one day.</p>
<p>“Do you wanna shower with me?”, he asked. Sirius nodded.</p>
<p>He was glad that Sirius couldn’t really see his tears as the spray was hitting their heads and made water stream down his cheeks along with them. There were bruises over his chest and stomach, dark against his light skin. Sirius tipped his chin up with his finger when he kept looking, and they locked eyes instead.</p>
<p>“I…”</p>
<p>Remus wanted to say so many things. How he wanted to kill Sirius’ family for causing him all that pain, emotionally and physically, how he wanted to stomp over there and just get it over with. He wanted to say that if he could, he would take all of his pain and make it his own.</p>
<p>He wanted to say <i>iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou</i>.</p>
<p>Instead, he leant up to kiss his jaw, and his cheek, under his eyes, over the bridge of his nose, right into his waiting, unnoticeably smiling mouth.</p>
<p>He knew that tonight, Sirius wasn’t ready for many things to be said, and he knew that he had to accept that. Respect it.</p>
<p>When their lips parted, his teeth dug into Sirius’ bottom lip and pulled a little, pulling a beautiful soft little sigh out of his mouth. A breathless little oh.</p>
<p>He smiled and kissed down his throat, on his collarbones and chest.</p>
<p>There would be days after this, where he would say all the I love you’s he wanted to, yell all about hating the family Sirius was born in, tell Sirius he would jump off a bridge if it would help him just a little.</p>
<p>Where Sirius would cry, and he would hold him.</p>
<p>But tonight, it wasn’t. Tonight, was all about kissing Sirius’ hurt out of him, about his chest rising more rapidly, more out of rhythm with every kiss that Remus planted on his body, lower and lower, and lower.</p>
<p>About the drops of water rolling down his skin like pearls, collecting on Remus’ nose where he pressed it into Sirius’ navel tickling him, making him laugh a breathless chuckle.</p>
<p>“Pads, to be honest…”, he whispered, looking up with water dropping down from his lashes, darkened by the wetness.</p>
<p>“You’ve never looked more like a punk-rock rebel, ever.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading this! If you enjoyed, make sure to leave some love ;)</p>
<p>This was posted on my tumblr (same username) a while ago so follow me there for more frequent posts (youre also free to leave requests there!!), kiss kiss &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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